Note: I enjoy the Da Vinci parody because facts or grammar don't much matter. A two-fer. Mistakes I make, either conscious or unconscious, are simply to be taken as part of the parody. The only negative aspect is I suppose it has to make some sense. Shucks. But some posts you do merely for your own entertainment. Chapter 1 here.
I followed the action from Peoria to a large metropolis in the northeast. Dan Tan whispered, as if what he were about to tell me could get me killed: "Cloaked under the satyr of night, the heroes of Opus Taylorus traveled to Paris, Tennessee, with the film canister in their hands. They'd heard of an artist named Leo Vinny who'd painted a velvet Elvis that held many clues."
"What sort of clues?" I interrupted.
"I'm getting there. Vinny was commissioned to do a painting of Elvis eating a peanut-butter and banana sandwich with Priscilla at Graceland, only it wasn't Priscilla but bodyguard Sonny West who - as was the custom of the '60s - was wearing his hair long, almost waist-length. Now I'm not implying that the King was gay. In fact to my knowledge he was not. But a lot of folks in the film industry are gay and there were people who saw Sonny at the breakfast table in that painting and made false assumptions. Think about it: everyone is told that Sonny is Priscilla in that velvet masterpiece and you have to ask yourself why? Why lie?"
"But that doesn't prove a conspiracy. And besides, what do Presley or West have to do with the Vatican keeping down the film industry?"
"Elvis wasn't just a great singer but a great movie star, a very credible actor. His Hawaiian pictures make Citizen Kane look like the B-movie of a film academy dropout. And he was the most connected dude of that generation. Elvis knew everybody in the music and film industries. Elvis found out the secret! Found out that Kevin Costner is of divine lineage and that A Field of Dreams had been suppressed for centuries. So the Vatican had Elvis killed in order to cover up Emperor Bushantine's crime. In 1978 Leo Vinny painted that kitchen scene on the very day the King learned the secret and if that is Sonny in the painting then Sonny's a dead man because there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the King would've told Sonny. He told Sonny everything. So after they got Elvis, Sonny talked up Priscilla as the one in the painting and Pricilla went along with it because she wanted to squash any Elvis-is-gay rumors, fearing that it would lessen the value of residuals and syndication monies."
"Why didn't they kill Priscilla?"
"The Vatican figured that Priscilla wasn't credible. No one would believe her. Pure prejudice."
"To be honest, it sounds a little farfetched."
"Look, I said this was a work of fiction didn't I? It's a catch-22. If you take it as fact and research it I'll emphasize it's fiction. If you dismiss it as fiction I'll call you close-minded and emphasize the facts, like the existence of the Priory of Peoria and the Sonny/Priscilla controversy in Vinny's The Last Supper of Elvis Presley. To tell you the truth I'm beginning to believe it myself. And besides, you got ten thousand conspiracy theories and one of them bound to be true. Sort of like a million monkies typing one of 'em's gonna produce Shakespeare. It could be true couldn't it?"