April 26, 2007

Things I Learn at Bingo

--That there's a disturbing new trend of homely women storing their cash in their bras. Deep inside their bras. So deep that it should require fishing license. The new lingo on the bingo street: "she went deep-bra on me". To which the proper reply is "Yeech!". Trying to look on the bright side of the situation I said "well, it could be worse..." to which a coworker said, "that would only be for ones!"

Yes it was that kind of bingo, very un-edifying. I'm still reeling from the very human and dare I say casual relationship Sandy & Sara appear to have with Jesus, as related by an incident I can't repeat it here, but needless to say their scruple gene doesn't always seem to click in. I'm actually not sure if that's good or bad. Kim will know what I mean. Email for the scoop.

--Holy Thursday mass is a meat market. At least for Sandy. Sandy is Kim's mother and is presumably around 60 years old but nature was kind. She could star in an anti-aging commercial and some thought Kim & Sandy were sisters upon first meeting. Before Mass, Sandy was accosted by someone she didn't know but who complimented her on her grand appearance, going so far as to stroke her hair and then come back to kiss her hand. Sandy was shocked, paralyzed as it were. Kim started calling Sandy the serpent in the Garden, a beguiling female temptress. When Sandy started calling out "Rapid!" for one of the instant games, I started calling her "Fast". Best we can surmise, the Holy Thursday guy might've been a jesuitical sort who had given up flirting for Lent and since the Triduum marks the end he was wasting no time. Kim, after all, had chocolate in her pocket for post-Mass purposes.

--Markas needed a replacement for usher because he can't usher in his Knights uni. Pshaw I say. Who wouldn't want to be shown to a seat by someone wearing a KofC uniform? Might not be a bad idea to have ushers wear that sort of thing all the time. I would've volunteered for him but I don't know the first thing about ushering. I think you have to go to an Usher school but, to be honest, I didn't want to ask if there is an Usher school lest I be told there wasn't and then have to usher. Invincible ignorance. Plausible deniability. Sad, I know but I usually go to the Byzantine Catholic church anyway.

--During post-game pizza, I heard more of the history of bingo from our resident bingo historian, the caller. He said the Men's Club began it back in the Pleistocene Era and at that time they always provided free post-bingo beer to the workers. The late nights and camaraderie were ended by the former pastor who cut out the beer and apparently substituted pizza. I think I live in the wrong age.

UPDATE: Names were changed to protect the guilty!

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