May 28, 2008

Phi Beta Beta Suspended from OU Campus for Reading Violations


PARODY, OR--The Phi Beta Beta fraternity was put on an indefinite suspension by the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at the University of Oregon yesterday.

The fraternity violated school anti-hazing laws by force-feeding pledges Emily Dickinson poems and making them recite lengthy Ovid passages from memory.

"Reading fraternities" such as Phi Beta Beta are increasingly popular on college campuses today in an environment in which binge reading continues to be a problem.

"You walk by many of the reading fraternity houses and hear 'Drop and give me 20!' only then you hear the pledge having to recite twenty lines from the Iliad," said Sheriff P. Coltrane, who is investigating excessive reading at many fraternity houses. "It's gonna make these kids go blind, 'cuz they're reading ten, sometimes twenty hours a day in addition to their school work."

Some concerned parents have instituted a policy such that whenever, wherever their kid is, they will pick them up if they are too drunk on reading.

"They don't want their child taking a cab, because he might read in transit. I've heard of kids slumped over from reading-exhaustion and parents come and get them and prop them immediately in front of a television. The kids are unable to even ride a bike," said Deputy Sheriff Malarkey.

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