January 22, 2009

A Couple of Parodies

From the soon-to-be published Guide to Political Slang:

Personal reasons -- a phrase often used to explain the withdrawal from consideration for appointment or as a candidate in a campaign. Typically means "stuff I hadn't thought was going to come out". (That is, for those possessing a modicum of shame, unlike Timothy Geither.)

Usage: "I am withdrawing for personal reasons."
Meaning: "I am withdrawing because I embezzled funds, worked briefly as a Nigerian scammer, cheated on my taxes despite supporting tax hikes, and frequented prostitutes."
In the latest demonstration of the use of the phrase personal reasons, the NY Times seems to have failed to recognize the all-encompassing nature of the personal:
"Problems involving taxes and a household employee surfaced during the vetting of Caroline Kennedy and derailed her candidacy for the Senate, a person close to Gov. David A. Paterson said on Thursday, in an account at odds with Ms. Kennedy’s own description of her reasons for withdrawing."
We here at the Slang Guide are confused. How could the explanation of the person close to Gov. Paterson be considered "at odds" with Caroline Kennedy's? We hope the NY Times will understand the extremely personal nature of having tax and household employee problems.

Dogs Won't Bite Under an Obama Administration

PARIS, FRANCE-- Former president George Bush was blamed for a recent dog bite perpetrated upon ex-French president Jacques Chirac by what was obviously a Republican dog.

The dog named Sumo is taking anti-depression drugs.

"Vee feel that all physical, moral, emotional, and intellectual evils can be ultimately placed at the feet of zee American neo-cons," said Chirac through a statesman. "If our beloved poodle wasn't depressed by the success of the surge in Iraq, then he was obviously reacting to global warming brought on by the failure of America to sign the Kyoto protocols."

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