January 15, 2009

The O'Rama Guide to Potential Weight LossTM

As a service to readers, I occasionally provide diet and exercise advice. Sometimes even cooking recipes. I give and I give. As always, your (and my) results may vary:

  • Exercise, but only moderately

    Too much exercise is a metabolism killer. What does it profit a man if he exercises intensely for an hour and then spends the other 23 slumped in a chair, semi-comatose? Likewise sore muscles tend to result in a decrease in activity during the day and the law of inertia asserts that whatever is at rest will tend to remain at rest and anything in motion will tend to remain in motion. So exercise, like alcohol, is best used in moderation. I leave the reader to define moderation in these matters.

  • Drink Water like a Mo' Fo'

    It's an article of faith in the dieting world that drinking water displaces food somehow. Or that if you are semi-dehydrated you'll unconsciously seek the water in food rather than drinking it. I don't know how it works but I pass along the advice of those who know.

    My tip is to drink 8-16 ounces of water first thing in the morning. Pretend it's beer and you're at college and people are yelling, "chug! chug! chug!"

    It's easy, by the way, to tell if you're semi-dehydrated because your urine will be darker than it should. And it's easier for guys to tell this sort of thing since we pee standing up, facing the bowl. Thought you might want to know that. (Could that be called an unhelpful digression?)

  • Scale Down with Baby Steps

    If you normally have a milkshake with dinner every night, have a chocolate milk instead. If you normally have a chocolate milk, try a white milk. If you normally have a white milk, try skim milk. If you normally have skim milk then you should be skinny and I should be reading your guide to weight loss.

  • Listen to Your Body

    If you have a craving for chocolate cake, as I did yesterday, then your body is telling you it needs chocolate cake. Listen to it. It does no good to eat five salads and two hamburgers for lunch when all you really wanted was a bit of chocolate cake and a half a hamburger. I had two pieces of it yesterday and now, today (voila!) I don't want chocolate cake, so the problem is solved and I can move along to raw carrots.

  • Never Eat Carbs w/out Protein

    Carbs are not your friend. Or at least they need to be chaperoned by protein. Never allow carbs to enter your bloodstream without being accompanied by protein. There are deeply complex biological reasons for this. Man has not evolved to live on processed sugars alone.

    MaryH said...

    You ARE so giving - it amazes me :)
    The last ones a really good one - we try to do that. Another great tip is to try to eat raw fruit or vegetables at every meal. The enzymes help the body to use all the vits and minerals in the meal so you stay satisfied longer and eat less.

    mrsdarwin said...

    If only you were able to give away the extra pounds as easily as you give out dieting advice... :) If I could talk off weight, I'd float away.

    William Luse said...

    hysterical. What would you think if I told you I pee sitting down in order to get in touch with my feminine side?

    TS said...

    Thanks Mary; I've seen pictures of you and you are thinner than me so deserve to be writing this post.

    MrsD, indeed! And I've been told men lose weight far easier than women so I have no excuse.

    Bill I'd say you were fibbin'! :-)

    HokiePundit said...

    I kind of think that exercise/diet books should start with confidence-building things. I let myself get out of shape these past few months and only recently started exercising again. I'm someone who can do crunches until I can crunch no more and see no benefit, but just a few pull-ups each day makes an obvious difference. I'm not sure what the best way to quickly lose, say, five pounds is but doing that often helps to give you the confidence to lose the other however-many. Ramping down portions slowly also helps a lot, and mixing protein with carbs seems to do a bit, too.

    Truly, a blog for a all searchers.

    TS said...

    Thank you Hokie. It's been said before, but when I see restaurant portion sizes I think: "oy, who can eat all this?"

    The other option for my winter weight gain is simply to wait till June to come. :-)