August 19, 2015

Corporate Speak v. Trump Speak: The Face-off

So I read a corporate note personally emailed from a corporate leader and I could scarcely read it, so devoid of content it 'twas.  I had to read it a couple times in order to make my eyes not skip consecutive sentences.

And I had a sudden thought - oh no!  Am I beginning to demand entertainment, a song and dance routine, from leadership? Would I (et tu me!) rather hear Donald Trump than boring ol' Jeb Bush? Say it ain't so!

The original note, for illustrative purposes:
As many of you know, we met with the Board earlier this month to review our strategic plans and what we’re doing long term to position the company for success. I wanted to share a few thoughts from the discussion that will be good for us to be thinking about as we move forward with these efforts.

First, I want to thank everyone who was involved in the work leading up to this meeting. I think almost every team is involved in some way to support the business in the development of the plans and ensure alignment of our priorities and financial goals.

We had a great meeting with the Board. They were excited and engaged in the discussions around our first half results and our plans for the future. We have a lot of good momentum going into the second half of the year and everyone is feeling good about where we’re at and where we’re headed.

We talked about the fact that our core strategy isn’t changing, but it’s evolving and accelerating in important ways. We’re continuing to build on the great work going on across the company. This work, and the progress we’ve made together, positions us to raise the bar and extend our efforts in specific areas.You’ll hear more specifics on our strategy in communications coming out soon.

I also want to remind everyone that the United Way campaign begins soon. We have been a tremendous supporter of United Way over the years and we achieved record levels in 2014--both in terms of the percentage of associates who gave and the total amount pledged. I’d like to see us break that record again this year. When you get the email, please take time to complete the ePledge process and consider giving to this great cause.

Lastly, I plan to send out emails like this periodically to share a few thoughts on what’s top of mind, as well as other updates that are important for you to know about. I encourage you to take time to read them and feel free to reach out to me with any questions or comments you may have.

Thank you.

So I decided to re-write the note in Trumpese and will send to our leader to help him out:

From the Desk of Donald J. Trump:

As many of you know, I am wealthy beyond belief.  Incredibly wealthy.  I met with the Board earlier this month to review our plans and what we’re doing to obliterate the competition (losers!). I want to share a few thoughts from that discussion because many of the board members are women, and you know how much I honor and respect the women.

First, I shared with the team our goal, namely to have our competitor build us a state-of-the-art payroll system because they have been stealing from us, sending us bad business.  You think they insure deadbeats and car wreckers?  No, their leaders are smart and ours, in the past, have been stupid.

We had a great meeting.  I really enjoyed it.  One board member was unbelievably rude and unfair but I can handle it.  It was like she had blood coming out of her eyes or whatever!  I told another board member that I've changed company goals and priorities many times and was proud of it.  Told him Ronald Reagan did the same.  Did you know Reagan worked for our competitor before he came here?

I also want to remind everyone that the United Way campaign begins soon, which I understand helps the women and other minorities. Did you know I have thousands of highly talented Latinos working for me and on my properties, doing great landscaping?  If even just my own employees vote for me, I'll win the Latino vote!

Lastly, I plan to send out emails like this and I know you'll read them and enjoy them, and I'm available on Twitter 24/7 or by cellphone, which you all have.  By the way, did you know Sen. Lindsey Graham's phone number is 202-482-8911?

Thank you,

The Donald ($10 billion and counting.)

PS: Don't forget to vote in the primaries and make America great like me!

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