February 26, 2003

What if U.S. Grant were fighting the Civil War today…
...& imagine that before the war Grant was the head of a shoelace manufacturing company:

Dan Rather live from somewhere just outside the Wilderness:
"Day 1072 of this terrible civil war, and I am live outside the tented headquarters of U.S. Grant where a group of protestors have gathered." (Cut to montage of seven protestors, one with sign "GRANT us Peace!", another with "Save the Horses - End this War").

"The White House today denied any connection between the war and the revived shoelace manufacturing industry, an industry which contributed heavily to Lincoln's election coffers and which, I don't need to remind you, was Grant's source of income prior to the war."

"Let's go to Mike outside Spotslvania. Mike?"

"Yes Dan. There is no known link so far - and again I want to emphasize that the link could be there but we just haven't found it yet - between the Big Shoelace campaign contributers and the way this war is being prosecuted. There are confirmed reports that shoes left on the battlefield often have perfectly fine shoelaces, presumably requiring new government contracts for the shoelace concerns. One must ask if this is a payback for the Big Shoelace companies. Dan?"

"Thank you Mike for that fine report. Now we go to Sherrie Rice in Atlanta, Sherrie?"

"Yes Dan, there are reports that the Sherman's army is heading this way. I'm standing outside the southeast's biggest shoelace company, a company becoming rich due to this war by supplying--

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