July 22, 2004

For comedic purposes only. Please use as directed...

9-11 Commission Finds Guilt, Guilt, Guilt!
The 9/11 Commission today ruled that several key players lacked omniscience.

"The fact that many in our government could not predict the future accurately is an abomination," said a commission member today.

Additionally, the Commission found out that communication within and between the FBI and CIA was grossly inadequate. They also discovered that dogs chase cats and revealed that the earth revolves around the sun.

When asked about the Commission's findings one member, who declined to be identified, said "Hey, we're a hangin' jury here. If we don't find someone guilty then what'd the taxpayers pay us fer? As for recommendations, I recommend a terrorism czar. It worked with drugs and home security, didn't it?"

Sandy Berger Rues the Day He Bought Socks
Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger admitted today that buying to-the-calf socks that contained pockets was probably a mistake.

"The appearance of it is questionable. I'm a suit and tie guy, I dress pretty well, so wearing tube socks with specially-made pockets in them looks pretty damning. But the truth is I use those pockets for my Pocket FishermanTM."

Former President Clinton commented at a recent booksigning. "We're all laughing about it. That wild Sandy getting in trouble again. There is nothing in those charges."

Clinton then winked and said, "of course, if you lie only for yourself what does that say about you? If you can't lie for your friends then-- hey, this is on background, right?"

It was not.

France Stops Air Travel, Declaring U.S. a 'Nincompoop' Nation

In his harshest criticism to date, France President Chirac declared that the U.S. would never be able to fly planes over French territory again, including commercial jets, helicopters, hang-gliders, model airplanes and paper planes.

"No longer will an American plane fly over French soil!" Chirac said in French.

When asked how long, Chirac said "until America stops enforcing U.N. resolutions!"

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