July 28, 2004

Found this interesting old journal entry from 1999. Pardon the self-indulgence in posting it, but it is interesting how I viewed things then (i.e. Faith not as a supernatural gift but the natural gift of native confidence):
I think I can understand it better now, for the one thing Joe [false name] and Bob [false name] and Ern [false name] all have in common (and you thought there was surely nothing they all had in common? how wrong!) is that they all have rock-hard faith. I mean undentable, diamond-hard faith. Their combined faith’s could not only scratch glass but pierce the devil’s heart. Their faith resides not only in the traditional sense – i.e. faith capitalized as Faith (in God) – but faith in their own visions. Each has a surreal belief in other things - stocks or a girl for example. Is it just their natural inclination to trust?

Joe showed me that he could believe, despite incredible evidences against it, that Susan was the girl for him. Bob believes this particular stock has only one way – no doubt – and though it may not go up, he has the same undoubtable belief in God, and that is infinitely desirable.

It is attractive - how doubt plays no role. Joe is Ern reincarnated – and Bob – all three believe, BELIEVE, that their way is correct, whether it be their vision of God or in self, Bob’s utter belief that this stock is on a highway to heaven, Joe's vision that if you want to do something, you have to do it ‘his way’, aka right.

I wonder if you get one without the other. If Bob or Joe is to believe in God utterly and completely, they have to believe that their way is the only right way. It’s feast or famine.
And another from a few months later...
It seems God made the female form too well, the lush curves but simple design. I obey the laws of nature, I am subject to them as much or more than most. The female form is endlessly, addictingly attractive. I wonder why it seems that God puts these endlessly inviting targets and then asks us to resist them? Do we have the smallest doubt the account in Genesis is true, that of the forbidden fruit, for has human nature not succumbed over and over and over to forbidden fruit? To the endless pursuit of knowledge that turns out to be meaningless? I may uncover her form and find in it nothing that teaches me anything, and yet I am drawn irresistably. In the end it seems God puts these targets here and asks us to choose Him over them. Fasting is choosing God over food. Chastity is choosing God over sex. Martyrdom is choosing God over life. Being continually chaste is a form of suffering, it seems to me, so either suffering is a positive or what sense can you make of it?

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