Twenty-Four Hours in Lex-Vegas
It was 2pm on a Friday in late October when, to quote the Boss in “Thunder Road”, we took those two lanes that’ll take us anywhere. Or to Lexington, Kentucky, whichever came first.
Everyone knows that life on the road is tough so we prepared by packing tiny Butterfinger bars stolen from the stash set aside for the carpet climbers on Halloween. I added a jar of peanut butter, a spoon, and one of the few remaining Pop Tarts still in the foil wrapper. (Surprisingly, Pop Tarts stay fresh outside the wrapper for at least a month or three. Your mileage may vary.)
I was experiencing the natural buoyancy that two consecutive days without a workout confers yet I deferred to my wife for driving purposes. It’s not that I’m Jesuitical when it comes to these matters….oh, okay who am I kidding? Of course I am. I drive when the event involves my family or friends and she drives when it involves her family or friends. Although in practice how it actually works is this: I drive the whole way when it involves my side, and she drives part of the way when it involves hers. This is a sort of corollary to the old wive’s saying that goes: “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine.” But we love them anyway.
So I reveled in the unnatural event of having to drive only the last ninety minutes of the 3 ½ hour trip and thus being able to relax while traveling. It makes a trip far remarkably less trying. I took a nap in between reading aloud to her a memoir by Josh Hamilton, the ex-Reds star who found cocaine before eventually finding Christ, and “The World is Curved”, which Robert Novak calls the best book of 2008.
I drove south through Northern Kentucky and the wet weather combined with the green hills reminded me of Ireland. I tried to take in the fine fall foliage without getting in a wreck. Though we’d luckily managed to avoid Cincinnati’s rush hour by a matter of minutes (we listened with some degree of schadenfreude, or at least indifference to others’ pain, as the traffic reports grew more ominous just after we’d passed) we hit Lexington’s. But eventually we reached our destination, the home of “Sissy & Randy”, the folks we’d gone to New York with back in June.
Randy has a sloe gin fizz sort of speech that grows on you. Perhaps it’s Northerners who, like the siblings of a large family who eat quickly in order to secure the most food, tend to talk quickly in order to secure the most conversation. Or, to put it more charitably, don't want to bore the listener. But a Southerner like Randy takes his own sweet time. And it’s relaxing.
He’s a Democrat but is likable because he doesn’t seem obsessed by politics. He’d thought about going to law school but his wife said he’d never have made any money at it because he’d take every case pro-bono, always fighting for justice she said. I didn’t want to ruin the mood – though I was honestly curious – how he squares the biggest injustice of our era, the killing of the unborn, with his support of Obama.
I suppose I’m too often interested in cause & effect and systems when it comes to matters of the heart. As a Systems Analysis major in college I come by it naturally. I’m fascinated, for example, how a Catholic can vote for Obama. But it’s only because it’s not my sin. All sin is, by its very nature, irrational and inexplicable and fascinating in that sense. Yet I’m familiar with my sins, or at least a subset of them, and so they aren’t all that surprising. But show me my neighbor’s sin, something I would never commit, and I’m shocked!
Part of that systems mentality I have is to look for clues on how to avoid sin when it’s not really subject to technique. Years ago a famous Catholic Republican strategist was caught in an indiscretion with a college student and my first impulse wasn’t to pray for him or to pray that I don’t behave similarly. No, my first impulse was to look in the memoir he’d written that was sitting on my shelf in order to try to see what tendencies he had that might’ve predicted what followed. As if I could tell in his prose or word choice that he was a near-adulterer. The only answer to sin, both before and after it, is Christ. It’s that simple.
We had dinner at a restaurant in the shadow of what Randy called the Mecca of Lexington – Rupp Arena – after having passed the second Mecca, UK's football stadium. I was starving despite the Butterfingers, so can’t be sure if that hamburger I got there was the best I’d ever had or whether it was merely the hunger talking. Randy & Sissy had happened at this place by accident and were so impressed by the burgers that they had their wedding rehearsal dinner there. Since then they’ve gone here every Friday for the past 19 months of married life. They’re so familiar to the waitress that she greeted them by name and gave menus to only my wife and me. I had been vaguely discombobulated by all the architecturally fabulous looking Irish pubs we’d passed, but I have to say again that that might’ve been the best bacon cheeseburger I’d ever had. After dinner we walked by the lit fountains outside Rupp Arena, or Lexington Center as is more formally called. In warmer weather they said people jump in.
The next morning Carrie (aka “Sissy”) cooked breakfast for us while we played with their delightful shepherd-husky mix, a dog named “Midnight”. Then we took turns getting ready for the big event, a day at Keeneland racetrack. Sissy’s sister and her boyfriend soon joined us and we all watched some slightly embarrassing television in front of mixed company, about a woman’s quest to dress in a way to best accentuate her figure. There were 3-D photographs taken of her, as if this was something requiring the equivalent of an MRI. Sissy mentioned how a friend of hers said that if she won the lottery she’d only want a bra that fit. Which gave us the opportunity to mention the car dealership that we'd passed on the way that had a huge line of bras hanging instead of the usual flags. What's with that? Buy a car, get a bra?
I’m not big on betting unless there’s little risk and great reward. Which means I’m not big on betting. The way it usually works is that reward and risk are proportional. After trying for years to find an investment vehicle that offered little risk and great reward I finally gave up. Stock options offered decent reward but I could never seem to find a way to limit the risk. So I suppose the only gambling that interests me now is the lottery which offers very little risk ($2 ticket or so) and great reward ($4 million jackpot minimum which, if you can believe it, discourages some as being ‘too small’). But I don’t play the lottery because it’s too inconvenient. If they’d take just out $5 a pay for the tickets I’d sign up in a heartbeat. To play the lottery, says the writer Gabriel Zaid, "is an attempt to tune in to divine providence, to give God a chance to intervene in my life, to deny that success is due only to my effort, to pit grace against merit." (Quote is from Tony Cohan's “On Mexican Time”.)
So I’m not a fan of horse racing. In fact, when I saw a sign on the Keeneland grounds that said “Library” I wanted to go there instead. But, as Sissy said, it’s also about people watching. And there was plenty to watch. Randy says at one point, “hey, it’s Jackie O only it doesn’t look like Jackie O”. I’m thinking what? Someone looks like Jackie O only they don’t? But I look over and instantly get it – she’s wearing the largest sunglasses I’ve seen since the Nixon administration. They are Jackie O style though bigger by a half.
I knew we weren't in Kansas anymore when I saw a "Blood Mary" tent on the grounds. It’s a very catholic event, a great intermingling of people and classes. There were those who looked poor and those who looked rich and those who looked like us, in between. A very democratic institution, like the Catholic Church. There were Mexican immigrant workers standing in the back who, like the Irish, are said to be very fond of horse-racing. And there were green boxes in the front with names on on each one like the boxes in the old Congregationalist pew-rent churches. There were debutantes and red-hat ladies. There were others who looked like participants in the Ascot Opening Day of “My Fair Lady” - as if Halloween had come early. I wasn’t sure how much my assumption that the people in the boxes were rich was what made them look rich, or whether they would’ve been seen as such in any environ.
So I bet the first couple races without success but became quickly surprised by how different the odds in the program were from the current betting odds. I knew, of course, that the odds derived from the actual bets would be different, but I didn’t think they’d be that much different. There could be a 4-1, a 8-1, a 6-1 and a 12-1 and they’d be 8-1, 5-1, 4-1 and 5-1 respectively on the board. I figured the bettors would pretty much assume the authority of the line in the pgm was gospel but people have their own ideas. I suspected that a lot of the difference was due to names, since I knew my own dear sweet wife was betting on a horse because the jockey was named “Jesus” or because the horse was named euphoniously. (Of course the irony is that she won more than I did.) But the trick, I thought, was to see where the late money was going. I figured the smart money that knew these horses would come in late because they didn’t want to influence the odds against them. Because all people tend to bandwagon, and if they bet early they’ll make people look at the money at that horse and think: “hmm…there must be something to that horse…I’ll bet on him” thus lowering the odds and decreasing the pot for the early bettor.

But this system didn’t work too well partially because I was far too impatient. I wanted to get my bet in at least ten minutes before the call to the post. I didn’t like the specter of a huge $5 bet hanging over me too long. :-)
We quit the track early in order to make it back to Columbus for the OSU/PSU game. We walked through the beautifully sylvan parking lot before hitting those "two lanes that would take us anywhere" again. On the way back we found a wonderful mom&pop barbecue restaurant where, at the table next to us, a guy showed his new cellphone ring tone to his group: it was the theme to the Andy Griffith Show. We were almost home.
Photo credit at top of post: http://jasonpost.net