June 09, 2003


Aunt Pixel in younger days...

Where are the Nigerian scammers when you need 'em?

It'd been a long time between scams and last week's email caught me off guard since I lacked a ready reply. My personal favorite episode in what I call "Scammin' the Nigerian Scammer...so you don't have to!" was sending a reply in Greek and receving the reply, "Sir, I cannot understand your language". All Greek to him too. Anyway, last week I was caught off-guard and I won't make that mistake twice. Here is my proactive response:
Dear Nigerian Scammer,

Thank you for your missive. I believe it is very possible for us to make this deal since it's a win-win - you free up your funds and I get a modest, "awww-shucks" cut. But in order to make this work, I humbly ask the smallest favor from you. You see my Aunt Pixel from Pittsburgh has put me in a bit of a pickle.

Aunt Pixel never married because she had a birthmark on her left calf and feared it would turn off men (which showed a gross misunderstanding of sexual response in men, but that's another story). We shook our heads about it because other than that subtle birthmark (which looked like a cross between that animated Nemo fish and the annoying Microsoft Paperclip masquerading as 'helper') she was a looker. But she was so self-conscious about the birthmark that she wore lycra pants to the beach.

Auntie understood the time value of money and began socking it away from the time she turned twenty. As her favorite nephew, she promised a large chunk of it as inheritence. She's decided to give it to me early, so that she can see me enjoy it instead of waiting until she's dead.

However, she did make one stipulation.

She requests that I, in a sign of solidarity and affection, get a tattoo that looks like a cross between the animated Nemo fish and the annoying M$ paperclip - on my left calf!

Well I started looking into it and I don't like pain (it hurts) and moreover I don't trust the needles. May well be tainted with HIV or hippopotamus B.

So I contacted a VERY reputable tattoo artist in Munich who will do it as an operation - you know, give me the anesthesia, knock me out completely, use sterilized needles, the whole big-bang - for $10,000. Now I don't want to go Auntie and confess my wussiness, so if you wire $10,000 to me I could get the operation, collect Aunt Pixel's money, provide you with 35% of the inheritence with which you could use to free up your own clotted money problem and then receive 25% of the proceeds (all percentages negotiable)!

Delta's sale price on flights to Europe ends Friday so please remit the $10,000 immediately if not sooner.

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