What if there were an Onion-equivalent for college student newspapers.... hmmm.....
Local Man Misses Class
BOSTON—John "No" Qualms blew off his 8:30 Introduction to Stochastic Systems class.
"I didn't feel like going because that last beer didn't sit with me too well last night. I probably had one more than I should've, but I'd already opened the bottle and I didn't want it to go to waste."
When asked how many beers he'd had he said he hadn't counted, calling it a "gauche question".
Trustees Increase Tuition
LANSING—The Board of Trustees for AlmaMaw U. raised tuition by 8.5% citing fears that "the college down the road" will raise tuition by 8%.
"We want to get ahead of the curve here. Consumers rate the quality of a university by its price, and we want to be in the vanguard. Besides, textbook prices are increasing at an astronomical rate."
When reminded that textbooks are not included in the price of tuition, the Board President said, "oh, yeah, well lots of things are going up. You ought to see our landscaping bill."
Economics major Jan Deck sees no problem in the increase.
"It's the market reacting as it should. The value of a college education has been shown to be two million dollars in increased salary over a lifetime. This means the price of a college education wants to reach $50,000 a year, the discounted present value of two million dollars. Mom and Dad - if you're reading this remember you're getting a steal," she said, while sipping an Arabian Mocha Sanani.
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