Video Meliora, proboque; Deteriora sequor

Scammin' the Scammers

It's always a joy to receive unsolicited fictional writings from friends half-way across the world. So without further ado...

Received:

THE DESK OF MR. BASHIRU.
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
BANK OF AFRICA,OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO,
WEST AFRICA.

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. BASHIRU,the director in charge of auditing and accounting section Bank Of Africa(B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina-faso West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on November 2000 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development....

Proposed Reply:

Dear Mr. BASHIRU (may I call you "Bash" for short?),

I thank you for your inquiry. I always enjoy the fine prose styles of those who con. Desperation makes the best writing don't you think?

You are in charge of both auditing and accounting. Isn't that a bit like the hen guarding the chicken house? Couldn't you just arrange for the bean counters to count creatively and then, as head of auditing, hold your palm out? That seems easier than trying to get money out of my pocket. But I don't want to tell you how to do your job. "I know nothing" (say like Sgt. Schultz).

You mention a deceased person having a large amount of dormant money, "U.S $20.2M (Twenty million two hundred thounsand United States dollars)" to be precise. Well I shouldn't have to tell you that twenty million doesn't go very far these days. Have you seen what they want for a Prada bag at the local mall? And have you been pricing beachfront property? Fuggedabout it.

To be honest, I wouldn't cross the street for thirty percent of twenty million. What you need to do is add some zeroes on that baby. I want to see your next note read, "U.S. 200.2 Trillion (Two hundred trillion twenty million United States dollars)". Or better yet "20.2 Fillion", which you will need to explain is a number so high that the United States government has not yet coined the term. Then you'll be talking. (I'd also bump up the percentage of the take to fifty percent; no reason to leave a sour taste in people's mouths. You get them to read that far you don't want to end on a low note.)

You're surely pinching yourself, amazed that I give this advice free of charge. I give and I give. However, if you found this advice helpful, please send money. This transaction is 100% risk free.