June 20, 2005

Piratical Nonsense

"Walk the plank ye bla'guard!" said the swarthy pirate, swarthy in the way most pirates at the Island of the Chronologically Incorrect are.

"Hold your hooks!" said a lawyer for the accused. (The accused had killed twenty-three men and raped six women but was on trial for allegedly saying to the captain, 'a bit greedy ain't ye?'.) "The plank must be at least thirty inches long in order to insure that the accused won't hit the ship's hull on the way down."

"Ayyyye!" said the pirate-in-charge. "Lawyers will be the death o' me!"

Spare wooden treasure chests were quickly dismantled and within the hour the plank was lengthened to the requisite length. Several pirates then tapped their glassware with their forks in order to re-quiet the crowd.

"Pirates & gabberdeans, ne'erdowells and misunderstood misanthropes, I am here to pronounce the words that will result in the death of the man who insulted our esteemed captain, Bob Keeshan. So again I say, ye bla'guard, WALK THE PLANK!!"

"No --wait!" said the lawyer. "Regulations for plank walking require a plank surface that is completely free of nails, splinters and other imperfections pursuant to the safe passage of the party of the first part."

The pirates gathered around the plank and saw, to their dismay, many nails and splinters and imperfections that would prevent the defendant from traveling the length of the plank with anything approaching peace of mind.

"OWWWYYYYYYIIII!" screamed the pirate-in-charge in a vowell-crushing spectacle that would've broken the spirit of Professor Higgins. "Aww heck, let's just go find a ship to sack! Got a problem with that mister attorney?"

"No, as you well know ship-plundering and the taking of innocent lives are protected under the law."

No comments: