Video Meliora, proboque; Deteriora sequor

What Kind of World?   - new fiction

Back in the days of winos & roses I was following the Alaskan Pipeline for the same reason people climb mountains: because it was there. And I happened across more than my fair share of colorful characters including one chinless man going to Ketchikan who seemed a cynical soul. Spying the rosary in my hand he said, "Ah priests! If they had a real job they wouldn't be so nice. Put them in a business suit and they wouldn't be so peaceful!"

I wasn't a priest and he seemed a long way from the business world but I assumed from the scars he'd been there and from it he was running.

I told him about a pain from my past. "I once had a crush a girl who liked another fellow, a guy who was drunk all the time. Real light-hearted. He'd give you the shirt off his back too. But he had a buzz 24-7, the kind of light buzz Larry Hagman had during the '70s and '80s. He was such a friendly guy you didn't know if it was him or the alcohol. And I remember wanting to tell her, 'hey I'd be fun too if I was half-drunk all the time!' But I was wrong."

"Hell right you were wrong. I've been drinking heavy for three years now and it ain't done my attitude any good."

"Not just that. It's this thinking that everything can be explained by chemicals or the environment. Deep down we want something in reserve. We want to know that we can protect ourselves like you think priests do, or that I can fix myself a drink in case of anxiety. But the only true reserve is the one you can't see and maybe not even feel."

"Can't feel? A reserve you can't feel? What the hell good is that?"

"More trust really. Trust in God. I'm still working it out, though it's probably a sign of desire for control that I'm even thinking about it, as if I'm trying to build up a reserve in advance for my own damn sake."

He fiddled with his shirt.

"I had a friend who always said it's a 'doggy-dog' world instead of 'dog eat dog' world. I mean I actually saw him write it out that way so it's not like I was just hearing him wrong. Which do you think it is?"