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Fiction

Imagining Don Imus Interviewing President of Iran

Imus: "The President of Iran is on the phone. Welcome to the program Mr. President."
POI: "Thank you for having me."
Imus: "So what's the deal? Are you crazy? Are you just plain nuts?"
POI: "What do you mean sir?"
Chuck: "Don--"
Imus: "First, I have to tell you that I see everything in terms of how it'll affect me, and the show...Do you know how hard it is to get comedy material out of a war, if you in fact start one with Israel or America?"
Chuck: "I-man please, you're treating the President of Iran with dis-"
POI: "I will not take such insults from an American pig!"
Imus: "Pig? If America is the Great Satan then don't I at least rate a demon? Or is a pig worse than a demon for you people?"
Bernie: [makes pig noise in background]
POI: "You are lower than cow dung. You are the son of a motherless goat."
Imus: "George Bush and the criminals in his Administration did you the biggest favor any country has ever done for another country by getting rid of your worst enemy, Saddam Hussein, and this is how you want to thank us? By funding that terrorist nightmare Hezbollah and making a-bombs and sending long letters to a man who can't read, and in general making a constant nuisance of yourself? You should be ashamed of yourself you ungrateful bastard! I oughta send David Gregory over there and have him start hounding you at your press conferences instead of Bush at his. Maybe if Gregory stops dancing on The Today Show he'll find the time to open a can of whupass on your ass."