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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Responding to the demands of local reporters and a handful of Buckeye fans, Coach Jim Tressel addressed the Ohio State football team’s 41-14 loss to Florida in a macabre press conference yesterday...
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“At first, I didn’t know what else there was to talk about once I admitted we had a lousy game and that fourth-and-one call turned out to be a bad idea,” Tressel said as he took his seat at the Woody Hayes Center. “But I’ve come to realize we have great fans and friends in the media who can’t move on—can’t do their jobs, can’t feed their pets, can’t love their children—until they’re assured, again, that our coaching staff doesn’t like getting beat by 27 points.”
Tressel then placed a small box on the table in front of him.
“I could sit here and talk to you all day about how much this loss hurts,” he said. “But instead, I thought I’d just show you.”
Tressel opened the box and tilted it toward the reporters, several of whom passed out at the sight of severed human body parts.
“In here is a finger from each of our assistant coaches,” he said, adding that while every coach had a finger cut off to atone for the upset loss, not everyone had to part with the same finger.
Reaching into the box and pulling out a discolored thumb, he said, “This belonged to (defensive coordinator) Jim Heacock. Jimmy called three solid hours of prevent defense, and so for the rest of his life, he’ll be holding his toothbrush with a different hand. I think you’ll see us make better defensive adjustments next season.”
-- Danny Russell
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